Epic tale of awesome epicness!

So, after reading Argallsaurus' latest post I looked my resolutions over. As it is June now, I think it is as good a time as ever to re-evaluate my yearly goals. I have many items on my list that I think I probably will not get to before the summer is out, but I have some goals that I could get started on right away.

One of those goals was to write a story.

I have little half-written tid-bits of stories I have written here and there (Potatoman, Dr. Nowhere, etc.) but I recently started a new story and I think I will post it on here in installments. It is the epic tale of one Wrathmall Tega, told in compelling prose. A legendary figure vanished from memory, plucked from the mysterious mists of time to entertain you. Well, that is enough 'ado'; here is the first installment:

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This is the story of a giant of a man; a man among giants, a dwarf among midgets. The legendary tale of a legend, with a tail, you've never heard.

Born in a barn that was being burned to the ground, Wrathmall Tega learned to run before he could crawl. Sporting a mullet from birth, his first words were "Bitch!" and "Bake me some chicken", but not necessarily in that order.

On his 6th birthday he took to the rails. He spent the next two years of his life doing freelance crime fighting and living a hobo's life. His only source of income was pawning the gold teeth of the criminals he punched in the face.

When he was 9, Big Three records took out a recording contract on his life. little is known of "The battle of the music masters" other than when it was over, Stevie Wonder was blind, Michael Jackson was white, and Ricky Martin was apparently turned Mexican. In his autobiography, Tega had this to say about the horrific scene: '...then they tried to sing me to death, so I beat the music out of them'. Paramount studios allegedly paid him a record $2 billion for the movie rights, with the unique stipulation that Wrathmall would play every character... and direct.

By the time he was 13 he was a Bollywood sensation. He had starred in over 400 films, most of which were less than 10 minutes long. His most famous role was in a short behind the scenes scene of him yelling at a cat. It was filmed accidentally when one of the grips left a camera rolling by mistake. It grossed $400 million dollars and netted him an Academy Award nomination for best actor (he lost out to the cat from the same film, but he later said that there were no hard feelings between the co-stars).

Tiring of the movie scene he converted all his assets into salt-water taffy and chartered a ship to take him around the world. His adventures at sea are well documented by the undersea nations in the Mermenclypedia under the heading "The Terrible Stranger". Eventually his ship wrecked on the tip of Cape Horn, He was the sole survivor. He then walked north, eventually stumbling onto the Augsburg College campus in Minneapolis Minnesota some time later.

Two weeks later he left with a Bachelor of Science in Physics, which he earned by defeating every faculty member of the Physics department in singles hand-to-hand combat. He then mysteriously disappeared, never to be seen or heard from again...

...until now!

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Stay tuned for more next time!